the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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