Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
