I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
