where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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