you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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