i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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