As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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