why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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