smell my finger.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
