just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
And then he peed in my hair
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