my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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