I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
