Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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