Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Vodka?
Forever.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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