just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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