If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
