I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
