I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
