she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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