Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
