the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
