So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
