: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
