Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
