She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
They took my balls.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
