i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
