I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
