Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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