I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
