I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
