If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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