gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
God, I missed his penis.
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