So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You made out with two different species that night
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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