What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
