The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
