Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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