he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
