One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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