It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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