i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
