Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Randomize
