Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
