I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
