I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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