So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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