Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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