So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
