Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Who haven't you slept with?

(703): View more from Virginia

No one comes to mind.

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(817): View more from Texas

This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

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(303): View more from Colorado

theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

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(419): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.

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(407): View more from Florida

Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"

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