And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
