i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
