So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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